Two-party politics

A vote for Glykon is a vote for sanity!

No, a vote for Glykon is a vote for insanity!

Glykon Asklepides represents the Foolish Wisdom Party, here to offer you pure and pristine enlightenment.

No, Glykon Apollonion represents the Wise Folly Party, here to offer you liberation through sex, booze, and really bad puns.

Snakes are all about that rising kundalini, amirite? Pure spiritual freedom!

No, snakes are all about getting down and dirty, that phallus, baby!

A vote for Glykon is a vote for a puppet wearing a really bad orange wig. Politicians with bad orange wigs are totally trustworthy, amirite?

No, a vote for Glykon is a vote for a man who will grope your wives and daughters, swindle your sons out of their inheritance.

Don’t vote for Glykon! Vote for Glykon! The two-party system is the best!

(Sponsored by Glykon)

(Not endorsed by Glykon)

(Who the hell is Glykon?)

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Glykonalia 2016: Snake Discourse

Everybody wants to talk about snakes. Nobody wants to talk about penises.

No, wait.

Nobody wants to talk about snakes. Everybody wants to talk about penises.

A cute picture of a snake wearing a tiny hat is an offense to the patriarchy. Especially if the hat is a pimp hat.

What do snakes and pimps have to do with one another?

The snake is a symbol of the penis. But perhaps the penis is just a symbol of the snake?

The penis of the human male has no bones. This is an oddity in the animal kingdom. All of that proud towering masculinity is basically just hydraulic pressure.

Something’s gonna blow.

There are thirty-three vertebrae in the human spine, divided into four regions: Cervical, thoracic, lumbar, and sacral. The coccygeal doesn’t count.

There are between two hundred and four hundred vertebrae in the body of a snake. A human being is a featherless biped, a plucked chicken, one-sixth of a small snake crowned with a ridiculous wig.

All the prophets of Glykon wear ridiculous wigs. Look at David Bowie. Look at Hedwig.

A man who can swivel his hips like a snake is not worrying about the size of his penis. However, Glykon can be propitiated for penis enlargement. Act now, ophidians are waiting to take your call.

Penises are problematic. Snakes are not problematic. Snakes are sneks or noodles. The phallus is a rampant destroyer, a divine mushroom, a raging god, an intoxicant, a beast with a mind of its own.

The penis is a bishop in a turtleneck, a fireman in his hat, a divine mushroom, the gods’ joke on humankind. The snake is a prophet. Tune into the Glykon Puppet Hour and laugh along with Glykon and friends!

This concludes the Snake Discourse.

Sacred Nights: Foundation Day 2015

It is 1885 years since the apotheosis of Antinous, on this day in 130 CE.

It is 1885 years since the foundation of Antinoöpolis, His holy city named after Himself as the Founding Hero, on this day in 130 CE.

It is 13 years since the refounding of His cultus in the 21st century.

Let Osiris rejoice with Hapi, for the youth whom they deified is recognized today as a god.

Let all the goddesses rejoice, and with them the divae, heroines, and sanctae, for the Bithynian Boy has become divine, and his mother’s whole body heals.

Let Ophion, Chnoubis, and Glykon rejoice, and with them all the serpent deities, for the mystery of apotheosis is renewed in the sight of mortals.

Let Ananke rejoice, for what was necessary has been carried out.

Let Hadrian and Sabina rejoice even as they mourn, for while Antinous the youth is dead, Antinous the god lives forever and loves them and blesses them.

Let the people of Antinous rejoice, for our god is eternally alive and loves us and blesses us.

Let all the gods of every land and people rejoice, for a new immortal has been added to their ranks.

Welcomed by Persephone, purified by Hapi, one with Osiris, enthroned with the gods of Egypt, Antinous lives!

Sacred Nights: Ophidia 2015

The first prohibition of Iao Sabaoth was, “Don’t eat this fruit.” What he really meant was, “Don’t talk to snakes.”

Snakes will fuck you up, man. Especially if you’re a woman. Don’t talk to snakes, and if you’re a man, stay away from women to talk to snakes. Those bitches will fuck you up.

Once a goddess named Eurynome talked to a snake named Ophion. The rest is history. Eurynome and Ophion lost touch, and they’ve been trying to get back together ever since.

Once a snake named Glykon talked to a guy named Alexander who lived in Abonuteichos. Alexander listened, and he had a great time fleecing rich matrons of their money with his Glykon-puppet, because women who talk to snakes, am I right? The coins kept rolling in until the day the puppet stood up on its own and started talking back.

Glykon slithered away, but maybe he’s talked to some other people, like a guy named Aleister, and a lady named Frieda, and another guy named Alan. Wonder why he likes guys whose names start with AL.

In the madhouse, the sanest man is king. “We’re all mad here,” said the Reverend Dr. Dodgson, and he knew best, didn’t he? He liked to see little girls with their clothes off. Keep your hat on, even if it drives you mad. And remember what the dormouse said.

I talked to Chnoubis the other day, and he said he’d seen Eurynome tricking on the corner of Read and Park, waiting for the man. “Waiting for the snake,” I said, but I’d lost Ophion’s phone number. I’d have to ask Glykon next time I saw him.

But what do I know? I’m just some woman who talks to snakes.

Glykonalia

On this day, the serpent’s day, the Glykonalia, let us give praise to Glykon.
If you are mad, Glykon will bring you sanity.
If you are sane, Glykon will drive you mad.
If you are mentally ill, Glykon offers healing.
If you believe you are well, and that your view is the only correct view,
Glykon will derange your mind.
If your back is stiff, Glykon’s dance will help you to loosen.
If you are a spineless idiot, Glykon will put some backbone into you.
If you have the plague, Glykon’s embrace will cure you.
If you are afraid of contagion, Glykon’s sweet bite will rot your bones.
If you fear the snake, you will never know yourself.
If you fear yourself, you will never dance with Glykon.
Son of Asklepios, son of Apollo, son of Zeus,
honor the green-scaled, golden-haired one,
the laughing snake deity, the sock puppet that moves on its own.
Honor Glykon, sweetest of serpents,
honor him with sweets and laughter,
and you will be well.